Analysts dumbfounded, but intrigued
Washington, DC – Billionaire investor Warren Buffett has bought $2 billion worth of forever stamps, the United States Postal Service announced yesterday.
“It’s the only safe bet right now, and the stamps are guaranteed to rise in value,” said Buffett, who recently purchased $5 billion in preferred stock from Goldman Sachs. “The markets are down and then up and then down again. No one knows what anything is worth anymore. Well, I know that I have 4.76 billion stamps at 42 cents a pop, and they aren’t moving.” Forever stamps are purchased at present value (currently 42 cents) but are usable in perpetuity.
Investors have been finding refuge from the financial crisis in traditional havens such as gold and government bonds, but Buffett’s move to stamps is unprecedented, according to James Fields, a market analyst at McKinsey & Company.
Buffett’s unorthodox move raised eyebrows among global financial players, who have already seen their worldview crumble no less than three times in the last two months. “Far be it for me to second-guess Mr. Buffett,” said Dabney Chesterton, a fund manager at JP Morgan Chase. “Hell, I was bullish on Enron a couple years back, but I do think the man is delirious. What makes him think postage rate increases are going to outpace inflation?”
Buffett is being coy about how he plans to realize a return on the forever stamps. Stamps are not traded on any commodity exchange, so off-loading his 4.76 billion “shares” may prove logistically and financially challenging.
“Forever stamps are not for someone looking to make a quick buck,” Buffett said. “Because the post office raises rates for the light mailing industry sporadically, profit projections need to assume a longer time horizon.”
The obvious winner in the deal is the United States government, which will see a massive capital infusion for an institution often criticized for its inefficiency.
“Quite frankly, we’re in shock,” Postmaster General John Potter said. “This gives us a lot of room for improvements at a time when we thought we’d be laying off people. Anything is possible now. Mail on Sundays, anyone?”
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Berlusconi Has Radical Idea for Economic Growth: Destroy Everything
Meanwhile, Italians Wish for Competent Government
“If we just destroy everything it will be so much easier to grow,” Mr. Berlusconi said.
The IMF and the state’s central bank have predicted
“What we need is a good civil war,” Mr. Berlusconi said. “Look at what’s happening in
“Really any war would work,” the affable prime minister added, “but we still want to be on good terms with our neighbors. And
Upon hearing Mr. Berlusconi’s remarks many Italians are regretting their decision to re-elect him this past April.
“Are we daft?” Antonio Ponti wondered. “Can’t we just have a functioning government for once?”
Cynics predicted that Mr. Berlusconi, who owes his fortune to large media holdings, would send the army to protect his television stations and increase advertising rates due to higher ratings from the war coverage.
A spokesman for the EU said that the organization hoped Mr. Berlusconi was joking and would consider some liberalizing measures to open up the economy before encouraging citizens to loot and plunder.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Knowledge Workers Wish They Could Just Stop Thinking For a Bit
The work never ends, they say
San Jose, CA – A Gallup survey of 1,000 employees of Silicon Valley firms found that while eight out of ten are satisfied with their work, nearly 30 percent wish that they could just stop thinking about it when they are out of the office.
“My work is challenging, exciting and exactly what I want to do with my life,” said Austin Loeb, a biotech engineer who designs components for wastewater recycling systems. “But I’ll be sitting at the dinner table trying to talk with my wife and kids and I’ll be looking at the lattice work on the cherry pie thinking if there’s a better protein structure for the filtering membrane I’m working on. It’s fucking annoying.”
“American society values work,” said Erich Rasmussen, a sociologist at Duke University. “We work longer hours than most other nations and bringing work home is not unusual. However, it is hard to escape work when most of it is done in your head.”
But according to John McPherson, Intel’s vice president for internal affairs that kind of stress comes with the job. “If our engineers were just stamping widgets or answering phones all day there would be no problem at all,” he said.
It is not surprising that the problem also extends into academia. Adeeb Rahman, a political scientist from Stanford, is on sabbatical this year to write a book on the relationship between globalization and civil society and is essentially being paid to think.
“I had heard stories about how draining a sabbatical year can be, what with the endless journal articles and interminable hours in the library,” said Rahman, who is surviving his first sabbatical. “But I never imagined the mental exhaustion. I’m looking forward to next year when I get my TAs back.”
Rick Adams, a construction worker from San Jose, thinks so-called knowledge workers should not complain too loudly.
“I wish my brain were hurting,” Adams said, pointing to his swollen left hand, on which a co-worker had dropped a stack of two by fours. “Yeah they crank out patents and research papers, but what do they know about workers’ comp?”
Managers of Silicon Valley firms have not noticed a decrease in productivity or performance but said they will take the results of the survey into account in monitoring employee satisfaction.
San Jose, CA – A Gallup survey of 1,000 employees of Silicon Valley firms found that while eight out of ten are satisfied with their work, nearly 30 percent wish that they could just stop thinking about it when they are out of the office.
“My work is challenging, exciting and exactly what I want to do with my life,” said Austin Loeb, a biotech engineer who designs components for wastewater recycling systems. “But I’ll be sitting at the dinner table trying to talk with my wife and kids and I’ll be looking at the lattice work on the cherry pie thinking if there’s a better protein structure for the filtering membrane I’m working on. It’s fucking annoying.”
“American society values work,” said Erich Rasmussen, a sociologist at Duke University. “We work longer hours than most other nations and bringing work home is not unusual. However, it is hard to escape work when most of it is done in your head.”
But according to John McPherson, Intel’s vice president for internal affairs that kind of stress comes with the job. “If our engineers were just stamping widgets or answering phones all day there would be no problem at all,” he said.
It is not surprising that the problem also extends into academia. Adeeb Rahman, a political scientist from Stanford, is on sabbatical this year to write a book on the relationship between globalization and civil society and is essentially being paid to think.
“I had heard stories about how draining a sabbatical year can be, what with the endless journal articles and interminable hours in the library,” said Rahman, who is surviving his first sabbatical. “But I never imagined the mental exhaustion. I’m looking forward to next year when I get my TAs back.”
Rick Adams, a construction worker from San Jose, thinks so-called knowledge workers should not complain too loudly.
“I wish my brain were hurting,” Adams said, pointing to his swollen left hand, on which a co-worker had dropped a stack of two by fours. “Yeah they crank out patents and research papers, but what do they know about workers’ comp?”
Managers of Silicon Valley firms have not noticed a decrease in productivity or performance but said they will take the results of the survey into account in monitoring employee satisfaction.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Rappers Urge Export of Cash-Money Crops
Profit Windfall Could Be Boon to Poor Countries, But Not All Convinced
New York, NY – At a press conference yesterday in front of the United Nations headquarters a group of American hip-hop artists suggested developing countries increase their export earnings by selling cash-money crops.
“You gotta get that money, get them dollars,” New York rapper 50 Cent said.
The rappers presented a vague plan calling for fruits and vegetables to be encrusted with diamonds, emeralds or other precious gems in order to increase their market value. Jay Z, who is part owner of the New Jersey Nets basketball team and acts as the group’s economic advisor, said that adding gold dust to a strawberry would increase its price thirty-fold.
“We all know strawberries are delicious,” Jay-Z said. “Now strawberries can be delicious and a luxury good.”
Atlanta rapper Li'l Jon brought his diamond-frosted chalice to the meeting to demonstrate the concept. “A regular-ass drinking cup costs, what, a dollar? You add some ice and I paid 40 grand, cash, for this shit.”
Baby, a member of Cash Money Records which sponsored the press conference, said he knew “like 10 or 15 guys wanting a platinum banana.”
But not everyone is ready to endorse the scheme as the next Big Thing in poverty reduction.
“It’s a ludicrous idea,” said William Deavers, a development economist at the World Bank. “Where’s the money for the diamonds coming from?
“They are correct in that value-added products will bring a higher market price. However, it would be more feasible in the short term to consider a branding strategy or increasing agricultural productivity instead of bejeweling mangoes.”
The group did not outline how developing countries would finance a venture into cash-money crops, saying simply: “Don’t hate.”
Despite the questionable merits of cash-money crops the press conference alone was deemed a success by bringing together fractious members of a music genre often derided as socially and morally bankrupt. The group plans to make presentations at the next World Bank Conference on Developing Economics and at Bonnaroo.
New York, NY – At a press conference yesterday in front of the United Nations headquarters a group of American hip-hop artists suggested developing countries increase their export earnings by selling cash-money crops.
“You gotta get that money, get them dollars,” New York rapper 50 Cent said.
The rappers presented a vague plan calling for fruits and vegetables to be encrusted with diamonds, emeralds or other precious gems in order to increase their market value. Jay Z, who is part owner of the New Jersey Nets basketball team and acts as the group’s economic advisor, said that adding gold dust to a strawberry would increase its price thirty-fold.
“We all know strawberries are delicious,” Jay-Z said. “Now strawberries can be delicious and a luxury good.”
Atlanta rapper Li'l Jon brought his diamond-frosted chalice to the meeting to demonstrate the concept. “A regular-ass drinking cup costs, what, a dollar? You add some ice and I paid 40 grand, cash, for this shit.”
Baby, a member of Cash Money Records which sponsored the press conference, said he knew “like 10 or 15 guys wanting a platinum banana.”
But not everyone is ready to endorse the scheme as the next Big Thing in poverty reduction.
“It’s a ludicrous idea,” said William Deavers, a development economist at the World Bank. “Where’s the money for the diamonds coming from?
“They are correct in that value-added products will bring a higher market price. However, it would be more feasible in the short term to consider a branding strategy or increasing agricultural productivity instead of bejeweling mangoes.”
The group did not outline how developing countries would finance a venture into cash-money crops, saying simply: “Don’t hate.”
Despite the questionable merits of cash-money crops the press conference alone was deemed a success by bringing together fractious members of a music genre often derided as socially and morally bankrupt. The group plans to make presentations at the next World Bank Conference on Developing Economics and at Bonnaroo.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
University of Phoenix Online to Create Athletics Department
Search for Mascot, Sponsorship Begins
Phoenix, AZ – University of Phoenix Online President Dr. William Pepicello announced yesterday the creation of an athletics department to oversee the school’s incipient sports program which will begin play in the 2009-2010 school year.
“The University of Phoenix has always been at the forefront of online education, but we haven’t always felt we were providing the complete college experience for our students,” Pepicello said. “We looked at student surveys and our own annual self-assessment and said, ‘Campus-based universities have sports teams, why can’t we?’”
The university has not announced the sports teams it will field, but according to several members of the Board of Directors, who spoke on condition of anonymity, the school is considering Internet poker, fantasy football, World of Warcraft and solitaire as its initial offerings. New teams will be added as funding becomes available.
The University of Phoenix plans to offer scholarship money for each of its teams. “To be the best, we have to attract the best,” Pepicello said.
It is assumed that the University of Phoenix plans to form a confederation of online schools and create a new sports league. No official announcements have been made, but press conferences are planned today at DeVry University, Kaplan University and Argosy University. Strayer University has a press conference scheduled for next week. According to university officials who were part of the process, the University of Phoenix was the motivating factor for the possible league. “We had the idea and didn’t really have to convince anybody,” said one University of Phoenix board member. “Once we floated the idea, everyone was kind of dumbfounded that someone hadn’t thought of this earlier.”
The University of Phoenix plans to hire an athletics director and coaches for each sport by the beginning of the 2008-2009 school year in August. A university-wide contest will be held to choose a mascot.
Reaction to the announcement was mixed. “I hope it doesn’t detract from their studies,” said Susan Johnson, the Director of the Office of Learning Assessment. “I’ve heard horror stories of some of these poker guys watching a lecture on one computer and playing cards on another. Nobody wins in that situation. I hope the university is prepared to handle big-time athletics.”
Jeremy Stevenson, a Master’s of Business Administration student, was less ambivalent about the new department. “I dominate my fantasy football league every year. I can’t believe I might be able to get a scholarship for that. Awesome.”
“I don’t know, man,” said Eric Lester, a communications major at the University of Arizona. “That’s great for them and all, but those aren’t even sports. Hell, I’m pretty good at making guacamole. Where’s my scholarship and letter jacket?”
Miles Brand, the president of the National Collegiate Athletic Association did not return phone calls. The organization’s spokesperson did release a statement saying that the NCAA supports the University of Phoenix’s mission to provide for its students but does not foresee NCAA sponsorship of Internet sports in the near future.
The potential Internet-based sports conference has some people calling it the Cyber League, but that does not sit well with Dr. Pepicello. “I would hesitate to call it that because it alienates campus-based schools. We hope to be as inclusive as possible, and if a campus-based school such as Ohio State or Texas would like to sponsor a Warcraft team, we would be happy to have them join.”
The university seems to be targeting Internet poker as its premier sport due to its relative prestige and the significant prize money available at tournaments. Between $500,000 and $750,000 is being budgeted for the coach’s salary, according to one board member, which should land the school a superstar coach. With over 250,000 students nationwide to draw from, the University of Phoenix could become an instant power in Internet poker, according to professional poker player Daniel Negreanu. “If they invest enough in the sport, then I’m sure we’ll see some Phoenix players making deep runs in tournaments,” Negreanu said.
Asked what his dream for the new program would be, Pepicello said, “Well, I guess I would love to turn on the TV someday and see one of our athletes winning the World Series of Poker, wearing a University of Phoenix sweatshirt for the whole world to see. That would be something.”
Phoenix, AZ – University of Phoenix Online President Dr. William Pepicello announced yesterday the creation of an athletics department to oversee the school’s incipient sports program which will begin play in the 2009-2010 school year.
“The University of Phoenix has always been at the forefront of online education, but we haven’t always felt we were providing the complete college experience for our students,” Pepicello said. “We looked at student surveys and our own annual self-assessment and said, ‘Campus-based universities have sports teams, why can’t we?’”
The university has not announced the sports teams it will field, but according to several members of the Board of Directors, who spoke on condition of anonymity, the school is considering Internet poker, fantasy football, World of Warcraft and solitaire as its initial offerings. New teams will be added as funding becomes available.
The University of Phoenix plans to offer scholarship money for each of its teams. “To be the best, we have to attract the best,” Pepicello said.
It is assumed that the University of Phoenix plans to form a confederation of online schools and create a new sports league. No official announcements have been made, but press conferences are planned today at DeVry University, Kaplan University and Argosy University. Strayer University has a press conference scheduled for next week. According to university officials who were part of the process, the University of Phoenix was the motivating factor for the possible league. “We had the idea and didn’t really have to convince anybody,” said one University of Phoenix board member. “Once we floated the idea, everyone was kind of dumbfounded that someone hadn’t thought of this earlier.”
The University of Phoenix plans to hire an athletics director and coaches for each sport by the beginning of the 2008-2009 school year in August. A university-wide contest will be held to choose a mascot.
Reaction to the announcement was mixed. “I hope it doesn’t detract from their studies,” said Susan Johnson, the Director of the Office of Learning Assessment. “I’ve heard horror stories of some of these poker guys watching a lecture on one computer and playing cards on another. Nobody wins in that situation. I hope the university is prepared to handle big-time athletics.”
Jeremy Stevenson, a Master’s of Business Administration student, was less ambivalent about the new department. “I dominate my fantasy football league every year. I can’t believe I might be able to get a scholarship for that. Awesome.”
“I don’t know, man,” said Eric Lester, a communications major at the University of Arizona. “That’s great for them and all, but those aren’t even sports. Hell, I’m pretty good at making guacamole. Where’s my scholarship and letter jacket?”
Miles Brand, the president of the National Collegiate Athletic Association did not return phone calls. The organization’s spokesperson did release a statement saying that the NCAA supports the University of Phoenix’s mission to provide for its students but does not foresee NCAA sponsorship of Internet sports in the near future.
The potential Internet-based sports conference has some people calling it the Cyber League, but that does not sit well with Dr. Pepicello. “I would hesitate to call it that because it alienates campus-based schools. We hope to be as inclusive as possible, and if a campus-based school such as Ohio State or Texas would like to sponsor a Warcraft team, we would be happy to have them join.”
The university seems to be targeting Internet poker as its premier sport due to its relative prestige and the significant prize money available at tournaments. Between $500,000 and $750,000 is being budgeted for the coach’s salary, according to one board member, which should land the school a superstar coach. With over 250,000 students nationwide to draw from, the University of Phoenix could become an instant power in Internet poker, according to professional poker player Daniel Negreanu. “If they invest enough in the sport, then I’m sure we’ll see some Phoenix players making deep runs in tournaments,” Negreanu said.
Asked what his dream for the new program would be, Pepicello said, “Well, I guess I would love to turn on the TV someday and see one of our athletes winning the World Series of Poker, wearing a University of Phoenix sweatshirt for the whole world to see. That would be something.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
