Buffett Invests $2 Billion in Forever Stamps

Analysts dumbfounded, but intrigued

Washington, DC – Billionaire investor Warren Buffett has bought $2 billion worth of forever stamps, the United States Postal Service announced yesterday.

“It’s the only safe bet right now, and the stamps are guaranteed to rise in value,” said Buffett, who recently purchased $5 billion in preferred stock from Goldman Sachs. “The markets are down and then up and then down again. No one knows what anything is worth anymore. Well, I know that I have 4.76 billion stamps at 42 cents a pop, and they aren’t moving.” Forever stamps are purchased at present value (currently 42 cents) but are usable in perpetuity.

Investors have been finding refuge from the financial crisis in traditional havens such as gold and government bonds, but Buffett’s move to stamps is unprecedented, according to James Fields, a market analyst at McKinsey & Company.

Buffett’s unorthodox move raised eyebrows among global financial players, who have already seen their worldview crumble no less than three times in the last two months. “Far be it for me to second-guess Mr. Buffett,” said Dabney Chesterton, a fund manager at JP Morgan Chase. “Hell, I was bullish on Enron a couple years back, but I do think the man is delirious. What makes him think postage rate increases are going to outpace inflation?”

Buffett is being coy about how he plans to realize a return on the forever stamps. Stamps are not traded on any commodity exchange, so off-loading his 4.76 billion “shares” may prove logistically and financially challenging.

“Forever stamps are not for someone looking to make a quick buck,” Buffett said. “Because the post office raises rates for the light mailing industry sporadically, profit projections need to assume a longer time horizon.”

The obvious winner in the deal is the United States government, which will see a massive capital infusion for an institution often criticized for its inefficiency.

“Quite frankly, we’re in shock,” Postmaster General John Potter said. “This gives us a lot of room for improvements at a time when we thought we’d be laying off people. Anything is possible now. Mail on Sundays, anyone?”